Things I learned this weekend.

Chipmunks are not birds. Nor do they migrate to Florida in the winter, either by flying themselves or by hanging on to the backs of eagles.

Wild Turkeys are quite tall.

Sometimes, being pelted by wind, snow and ice isn't a bad thing.

There are many shades of grey.

Buddhist nuns can also be rap artists.

Chocolate cake doesn't always taste like chocolate cake.

English language

Why do the words "smite" and "smitten" have opposite meanings?

Just wondering.

Agate

damn you cows and your damn cow juice.

Tom Selleck?

I had a bad dream last night that I'd like to share with you.

In my dream, one of the members of the Aquanaut Yoga Force Team was friends with Tom Selleck. So, he invited the Aquanaut Yoga Force Team to Tom's guest house. I have no idea where this house was. Tom's guest house was lovely, just lovely. My room was all white, beautifully furnished. Oh, and Tom kept photos of himself all over the house.

The dream goes downhill from there. As I'm checking out my room, I realize the the ENTIRE Aquanaut Yoga Force Team had left for a hike in the wilderness...without me. They were gone. :( So, I decided to practice some poses in my room. Unfortunately, when Tom decorated the room, he put in this really long shag carpet. So, every time I jumped back into plank, my legs got tangled up in the carpet. I was sad.

Sad kitchen appliance news.

My dear cousin, the Chocolate Prognosticator or whatever the heck her handle is, I kinda forgot, just bought an ice cream maker. I really wish she had done some shopping around. Because I found the PERFECT ice cream maker. It's a dream come true, really.

Hello.

If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I LOVE Hello Kitty. Seriously. And, I need this. This would sooo annoy people at work. But, it is sooo cool.

OK. So here's the deal...

I had a great day today. Yeah, you heard me right. You haven't heard (read) words like that from me in a long time. Here are the reasons why I had a great day:

Work was steady

I stood up for myself and held my ground

I wasn't attacked by badgers

My favorite sandwich guy was at my favorite sandwich place

I saw some really nice people today

I got totally blissed out at yoga

I am totally loving everyone today, including that mean girl from seventh grade

Everyone around me seems to be in great moods

I spoke to my long-lost cousin, my not-so-long-lost cousin and my sister today

I'm planning an urban photo shoot with two of my dear photo friends

And lastly, just to restate an important point, I wasn't attacked by badgers


OK. So, here's one little teeny eenie problem. I usually run into bad Karma when good things go too good. So, I have this teeny tiny fear that everything is going to come crashing down. I hope it doesn't.

Love,

Agate

Some photos from the yoga retreat.

Schedule

For those of you keeping up with my official schedule, here's what's going on...


For dinner these days, it's been black bean dip and breadsticks. Yes, I'm again living the life of an advertising professional. But, it's even worse today. I haven't had time for laundry, so when getting ready for work today, I was forced to wear a sports bra under my top.


So, yes, I'm a tad busy. I'll try to keep in touch as much as possible. But, it looks like until July 4th, things are going to be craaaazy. I guess, if you'd like, you could send some bean dip and breadstick recipes. Right now, I'm going with chipotle hot sauce in the dip and garlic powder on the breadsticks. Any variations?

Love,

Agate

Huh?

I was looking at some old text messages of mine. I found one that I sent to myself. Obviously a reminder of some kind. Of what, I don't recall. There were three words in this message: Zombies eat cake.

What the heck does that mean? Why would I send myself a text message saying: Zombies eat cake? It makes no sense. Do zombies eat cake? Aren't they the undead? Wouldn't the cake just fall out of their rotted heads?

Anyone?

Happy Thursday

Yes, I am happy today. I took a surprise vacation day. It was lovely not to be at work. Yes, there was one drawback of being home. The annoying accident that befell me due slipping on a patch of mayonaise. Yes, only I would drop some mayonaise on the floor and slip in it. Yes, I'm fine. Yes, my elbow which I fell onto is fine. Sore but fine. Even though I have an aching elbow (yes, BC, it's the one I already broke once), I still am happier than being at work. I have spent the day working on photos. Reading (not scanning as usual) the newspaper, and just breathing. But, I guess my question to you Willow is if I know my arm isn't broke, as I can put weight on it and move it, and it just hurts, is there any reason for an x-ray?

agate

It's National Scurvy Awareness Day

Passover is officially over...

now that I ate the last of my mother's homemade chocolate-covered macaroons. MMMMMM. I miss them already.

My weekend

After a week from hell, I finally had some respite. My weekend was wonderful. I only did three things: Temple, visited with my sister, and yoga. But these three things brought calmness and relaxation to my life. It felt very healthy. Plus, I ate a gizillion macaroons! So, all is well.

Love,

Agate

p.s. I spoke to a dear friend on the phone as well this weekend and her advice was very welcome and calming as well.

Buses

Ok, dear reader,

I know, I know, I've been complaining a lot lately, but all I can say is that I guess this is the outlet I feel comfortable with to get things off my chest. So, here's one more...

It's a beautiful afternoon. It is definitely spring out. But, am I outside? Am I enjoying the spring Am I worshipping nature?

No. I am reeling from being thrown under the bus. In a series of e-mails between someone who is not you dear reader, I can assure you, I discovered I was thrown under the bus. One of those big double-decker tourist buses. And I just discovered who it was who threw me under said bus. I had thought that person was a nice person, but obviously not.

It's just an awesome afternoon! It's all puppies and rainbows here in Agatestone land.


I need a nap.

see post below

Dear Reader, I've decided to forego life as a mime and will continue on the yogic path. I don't know what I was thinking!

Some of this may be true...sorta.

So,

I know this will come as a shock to you dear reader, but I've decided to forego my plans of becoming a yoga teacher. Yes, I know I only have one class left. But, after much soul searching, it's time I decided to follow my heart. And my heart dear reader, does not sing the joyfull tune of yoga, but the melodic melody of mime. French street mime to be exact. My classes start next week. It's a 14-week course, and for the final exam, I must travel to an urban area and mime on a street corner. I will only pass the course if I garner at least $100 in donations. Any less, and I will become a mime-school flunky. I know, I know dear reader, you may think me odd. But, I can't help what I feel. Mime is my heart. Mime is my soul. I just never realized it until now. In fact, I was thrown out of sushi restaurant tonight. All for my craft. Yes, I was vigorously miming, but, of course, as it was miming, I was very quiet and surely not distracting anyone. Nevertheless, the head sushi chef himself came out from behind his sushi enclave and asked me to leave. It was mimism, pure mimism, dear reader. Well, I left. But I left a stronger person, dear reader. No one, not even you can dissuade me from my dream.

Love,

Agate

(Obviously, the miming isn't true. The getting kicked out of the sushi place is kinda sorta true)

Please, please forgive me.

Dear, dear reader,

I humbly apologize for all of the complaints I have subjected you to for the past few weeks, either via this blog, on the telephone, by IM or in person. I am in a complaining mood lately. But, it is friday, and today, I will not complain to you. Or at least not complain too much. Here are some good things.

1) Yes, we have three inches of snow out there, but at least it is white and fluffy.

2) I'm having vegan pizza tomorrow night. Yay no cheese!

3) Work doesn't suck today.

4) My office isn't infested with badgers.

5) I don't have to hem the new yoga pants I recently purchased.

6) My socks match...today.

7) The smoothie place is selling HUGE cookies today.

8) I'm reading a book on how to heal the world. I'll let you know what I come up with.

9) I'm seeing Elvis Costello in July.

10) The world is filled with beautiful art and music.

Well, that's 10 things. I know there are other good things to talk about, like that even though we have 3 inches of snow on the ground, it smells like spring. If I can think of anything else, I'll update this list. In the meantime, have a great weekend.

Agate

I scream.

Isn't ice cream the perfect drug to combat the nautical disasters in life? I had some soy ice cream the other night that was wonderful. Fluffy and ice creamy. I may go pick some up from the store and make that my drug of choice in these trying times of bad gallbladders (not mine), work horrors (yes, mine), not enough time in the days, manditory overtime combined with lack of time to eat (it's a wonder my fingernails haven't fallen off yet, the way I'm eating).

nautical disaster

Life is such a disaster right now that I had to take desperate measures: I'm sitting on the floor, listening to a Bollywood remix and eating ice cream.

Friday

Well, this excrutiating week is finally over. There is still time for disaster, as it is only Friday morning, however.

I could turn this post into a litany of complaints, because believe me, I have a bunch of them. But, instead, I think I'll just give a list of things I like right now:


Chihuahua puppies (I really need one)

Hazelnut Chocolate spread

Persepolis (great book! I haven't started the sequel yet.)

My new hat

The Lentil Soup at the restaurant around the corner from work. It's magical.

Banana/Papaya smoothies. I bought my first by accident. I had intended to buy my usual, a Banana/Pomegranate smoothie, but misspoke and said Papaya instead of Pomegranate. Much better.

Anyway, I'd like to say there were more things that I'm positive about right now, but I'm not getting too much outside stimulation from my cocoon these days.

Agate

I just realized something....

It seems as if, these days, the more I learn, the less I know.

Pretty frustrating.

fake post

...so that I don't have to see that stupid leprochaun anymore!

No more Elf Oil.

On the way home from Aqua Team Yoga Force Ashtanga Training, I went by the establishment that was recent selling Elf Oil. Well, obviously, the ASPCE (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves) nipped that in the bud. The store is now advertising Muff l s. Doesn't Muff l s sound like special clothing for elves? They actually sound nice and warm.

No seriously, if you don't have enough letters to spell Mufflers, why not put something else on sale? Something that doesn't require an e or an r. Sushi? Hyacinths? Yoga socks? Onion dip?

However, something doesn't make sense. They had an e for the Elf Oil. Maybe some Elfin activist stole some letters in protest to the unethical treatment of elves. We never found out if they were squeezing elves to extract oil from them, or if they were selling oil that one could apply to one's Elfin acquaintances.

p.s. Yes, leprochauns are elves!

Tonight's Eclipse

(click on photo to enlarge)

Street cred.

I want street cred. I want to be able to comfortably say "This is how I roll." But, I just don't have the street cred to get away with saying things like that.

Just imagine this scenario...I'm at Starbucks trying to get a Soy Cafe Americana with decaf instead of espresso. I've tried twice now and have been met with resistance. If they give me any lip and argue with me that the drink is made with espresso and espresso only, I could say, "Give me the darn drink with decaf, beyotch. Why? Because this is how I roll. Oh, and please don't forget to use soy milk."

Or, I'm at the library. I want to renew the book I took out on needlepoint. But, alas, I don't have my library card with me. I could say, "Give me the darn book, beyotch. Who cares that I don't have my card with me? I don't need to carry a darn library card. This is how I roll. Oh, would you mind giving me a bag as well. It's a tad drizzly outside."

But life doesn't work like that. And I don't actually roll like that. I can't get away with the street lingo. Oh well.

Full contact copy editing.

Dear reader,

You've realized by now that I am a tad clumsy some times. Or that I tend to do really stupid things. Well, the culmination of my gifts has paid off. I have finally received a copy editing injury.

Here's how it all went down. My coworker came into my office. She needed a word spelled. I have three dictionaries. I opened the one I though appropriate to spell her word. I thumbed rapidly through the dictionary until I came upon what I thought would be the correct page. I scanned the page eagerly, hopefully, and yes, I found her word. I was so excited, I felt so triumphant that I slammed my hand down on the dictionary page in jubilation. Bad move. I hurt my hand. Not seriously. No broken bones. But, man did I slam it down hard. The word? Oh, Honduras.

So, what did I learn about this turn of events?

1) I am a big geek
2) I am a big geek
3) I am a big geek

Next time I look up a word in the dictionary, I will act calmly, without expectation as to the outcome of my findings. I will search for correct spellings with a more yogic attitude. Either that or I’m going to have to find softer dictionaries!

It's official...

...I'm officially obsessed with online Scrabble! When I used to play Tetris a lot, I would look at the world as if it had building blocks I had to arrange. When I was at that job where we would have races to see who could finish the Detroit News, Detroit Free Press and New York Times crossword puzzles quickest, I would dream in crossword puzzlese. Literal crosswords would come out of people's mouths as they talked. Well, I'm finally there with Scrabble. It is around 4:45 am and I just awoke from a dream: My coworker, who is a really nice guy, wanted me to commit a felony. It was spelled out on a Scrabble board. I had to figure out what the word meant, and then I had to, well, commit the crime. The word was "dreac." I just looked it up and there is no such word. Very disturbing dream, nonetheless.

Agatestone's psyche.

Perhaps I showed way too much of my psyche today. For instance, the Yoga Team Aquaforce now knows that I hate the smell of Oreos and popcorn. They also know that I am anti eating and driving. Furthermore, and hopefully you will back me up on on the non-weirdness of this, CW, they know that I can and have actually planned an entire evening (movie, satisfying beverage, etc.) around a good piece of chocolate. And lastly, they know, and this is something I don't think I ever told you, dear Breakfast Czar, but crazy Mrs. Sutherland down the street fed us all Bonz dog biscuits one day. It was during the summer of the broken elbow, which, I forgot to tell you, Winter, is the reason I can crazy bend my elbow backwards.

Ok, no more exposing my psyche! I'm going to be a closed book from now on (yeah, that promise will last for about 12 hours!). Instead, I'll start telling funny stories of things my sister did!

The world does not revolve around me.

The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me. The world does not revolve around me.

The Case of the Nefarious Ninja Kung Fu Pirates.

When we last left our fearless (and judgmentless) Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team, they were non-reacting without expectation at the thwarting of a series of crimes in Berkley, Michigan. Click here to learn more about the Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team. Today, however, Maddie, the team's double-jointed chakra healer (and Web designer) received an urgent telephone call on the super secret rainbow phone. It was the prime minister of the small Central American nation of Belize.

"Hello Right Honorable Said Musa" exclaimed Maddie. "What can the Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team help you with today?" she asked.

"Well, Maddie," answered the Right Honorable Said Musa in the official language of Belize, English. "We have an urgent shipment of much-needed yoga mats approaching Belize near the 322 km long Belize Barrier Reef, and we have intercepted intelligence reports that a nefarious band of Ninja Kung Fu Pirates are on a course to intercept the ship and steal the yoga mats. Please, I need the help of the Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team. Can you help?" the Right Honorable Said Musa pleaded.

"Of course," answered Maddie, alarmed at the thought of Ninjas and Kung Fu guys banding together to spread havoc, produce poorly written action movies, and generally terrorize the high seas. "We'll be there as soon as possible," she said as she lit a nag champa candle, which began spreading its gentle awakening aroma and healing light out across the world, reaching the Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team (and Dharma the Robot), and tenderly informing them that they must assemble to fight crime...or possibly the message was that they needed to assemble to learn Ashtanga Yoga. ( The team was still getting the bugs out of the warning system.) They used to use cell phones to contact each other, but the constant ringing and the swooping off into the dark to fight crime was making people suspicious. They then tried the tangy scent of just-opened tangerines as a warning scent, but Dharma the Robot had started rusting from the tangerine juice. Then they began tying notes to specially trained squirrels to communicate with each other about crimes...and yoga class schedules, but Winter was petrified of squirrels and would run in the opposite direction when she would hear the chirping of an approaching messenger squirrel. So, the team was now trying the gentle scent of a nag champa candle to communicate with each other.

Winter arrived at the Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team clubhouse first, anxiously checking the room for loose squirrels, followed by Lidia. Dharma the Robot arrived a short time later, by air of course. Gabe, the team's technician, had been tinkering with Dharma and had recently added retractable propellers to Dharma the Robot's arsenal of chanting, meditation, healing...and fire prevention powers.

But where was Cassandra, the team wondered? Lidia activated Dharma the Robot's GPS radar/sonar system and after a few blips and bloops, located Cassandra. The radar showed that Cassandra was mere blocks away, at the Berkley Thai Tai Chi Centre and Bubble Tea Bar. The team, along with Dharma the Robot, was alarmed, sure that Cassandra was being held at the Thai Tai Chi Centre and Bubble Tea Bar against her will. (The Super Secret Yoga Crime Fighting Team had various run-ins with the Thai Tai Chi practicioners, and almost came to, well, intense non-reaction over arguments concerning the proper way to meditate (the yoga practicioners were partial to listening to a singing bowl, while the Thai Tai Chi "gang" preferred staring at a candle). There was bad blood between the two groups. Plus, it was well-known in the Yoga Crime Fighting Community that Cassandra hated...or rather did not actively pursue, with any judgment, the drinking of bubble tea.) The team began to assemble a search and rescue party. But first, they needed to meditate.... To Be Continued.

Hustle and Bustle.

Elves

Coming back from an exciting night of yoga crime fighting (more about our adventures later), I noticed a sign on a local shop advertising "Elf Oil." What the heck is Elf Oil? If I was friends with or knew an Elf, I would think it would be rude to apply oil to them. And G_d forbid, I sure hope this isn't oil made from Elves! That would be horrible.

Any ideas?

No fun.

Gentle reader,

The last time we spoke, I mentioned that I haven't had any fun lately. Well, it has gotten worse. I now have a cold. Not the fun kind. And annoying, nagging cough and general feeling of sickness. Just what I needed to go along with my aching back. What's next? Locusts?

Update...

Well, all is quiet on the crime front, which is good because Karma the Robot is in the shop for upgrades to her chakra alert system.

I realized I haven't done anything fun in quite a while. It's all work, commitments, etc. I need to have some fun. Anyone have any suggestions? I'd like to actually go out in public and I really only have 1/2 hour blocks of time. I suppose I could bowl for a 1/2 hour. Or eat 1/2 of a pizza. Or watch 1/2 hour of a movie. Or...well, I really don't have any good suggestions. I did try to meet up with the Breakfast Czar for coffee but that fell through thanks to the fact that my grandfather got on a boat in Palermo, Sicily, 75 years and set sail for Philadelphia, where he eventually made his way to Detroit, a frozen tundra of despair and desolation. Why in the heck didn't he turn around and go back to Sicily his first winter here? What was he thinking? Anyway, not to blame Grandpa because he was a delightful man, but the weather barred BC and me from being able to enjoy an afternoon together.

Agatestone

Yoga Team Force

Gentle reader,

I know I told you that I was training to be a yoga teacher. However, I have decided to take that training a bit farther. I now want to be a yoga crime fighter. Why fight a ninja street gang with nunchucks or a band of Vespa-riding purse snatchers with mace, batons and attack dogs, when gentle lovingkindness will work?

I’d like to say that I am planning to assemble a team of yoga crime fighters, but megalomaniacal leadership is not one of the Eightfold Paths of Yoga. So, instead, a band of like-minded yogis are independently, without motive or expectations, bringing their energy together to peacefully fight crime through the use of calming yogic techniques…and robots.

And gentle reader, please don’t think of us as superheroes. We aren’t fighting crime for a pat on the back, extra grease for a squeaky widget on the robot, or even new, non-slip yoga mats. We are fighting crime because crime exists.

I want to introduce you to our band of yoga crime fighters. Names have been changed, because, as I said, we aren’t looking for admiration, just peace:

Winter - Her weapon is a singing bowl that she brandishes during violent crimes, instantaneously rendering the perpetrators into deep meditative states thanks to the bowl’s captivating vibrations. Once the perpetrators are rendered harmless, the robot comes in to disarm them. And of course, before the police come to carry away the criminals, Winter always dabs a bit of lavender gel on each criminal’s neck, just to make sure they have a calming ride to jail.

Linea – Her specialty is chanting the criminals into deep relaxation, and has been known to thwart crimes from the sound of a single OM. Linea even once stopped a harrowing prison riot with color visualization and the chanting of Shanti (peace) over and over again. Then of course, she sent in the robot to round up the inmates and put out the mattress fires.

Liza and Cassandra work as a team, or rather as individuals who, regardless of the outcome of their actions, independently brandish their own yogic techniques in tandem. Cassandra begins with breathing and grounding techniques, calmly instructing each criminal to steady their breath, clear their mind (especially of the fact that they are in the middle of robbing of bank) and feel the energy of the earth coursing up through their body, past their nylon stocking-masked face to the crown of their head. Once the criminals are fully grounded, Liza steps in, runs them through a few yoga postures, eventually disarming them by directing them into an elaborate one-armed handstand, allowing the robot to come in and apprehend them.

Dharma the Robot – Her main purpose is to uphold the order of the cosmos and the harmonious complexity of the natural world. Through the employment of nag champa incense, healing vibrations and a gentle but firm grip, Dharma aids our band of yoga crimefighters in keeping the universe peaceful and just for humanity.

Let's hope it never comes to this:

33%

Huh?

As I prepare for slumber, I hope that my dreams tonight are not as odd as last night. I was visiting Japan in my dream last night. Except for the fact that there were absolutely no Japanese people in my dream. I was visiting the ACF/CW (they kept morphing into one and then another) who was/were living in Japan. The gist of the dream was that I was dying to see the Famous Sideways Fountains of Tokyo. Yes, they were ingenious fountains. The water sprayed and retracted sideways, never a drop reaching the ground. But, I kept losing my driver's license, wallet, etc, so we had to keep pushing back our departure to the Famous Sideways Fountains of Tokyo. AFC/CW were getting aggravated with me. The dream itself then morphed into a familar dream of mine: purchasing sausages, cheeses, pate, and other finefood delicacies at some foofoo market. I think I also visited Tiger Stadium in my dream and well as, I believe, a countryside pie shop! Lastly, I believe I visited a natural history museum and a classic, old hotel.

My friends/relatives seem to pop in and out of these dreams. I know one night I was in a sled shop, buying a sled of course, and who should show up but the ACF and her entire family! They also came with me to Ann Arbor one night to purchase hot chocolate and menorahs. CW, I think you and I visit natural history museums in my sleep as well. I don't know who was with me the night I visited that famous musical conservatory to hear a student concert, but none of the students had any instruments. The conservatory was a scam.

I'm not sure who was with me the night the Martians were coming down to suck our brains out. All I know is that I had to hurry up and buy cleaning supplies. I didn't want to leave a dirty house for the Martians.



Anyone?

Matzoh!

I would guess that some people would decorate for Passover, but this is ridiculous!

Arghhhhh.

For the Jewish pirate in your life:

Money, money

So, I heard another story of some robbers smashing into a building and loading an ATM onto their truck, driving away with all of the cash. Why don't the banks get smart and put a GPS tracker on all of their ATMs? Just a suggestion.

Tuesday.

My list:

1) Apparently I am not a copy editor but am a "word massager."

2) I had a very good Christmas dinner of latkes. Only in my family does one eat latkes for Christmas dinner.

3) I am again living the life of a starving advertising professional. Please send food. Preferable not hummous, baba ganoush or bread, as those are all I seem to eat when I'm going through a busy time at work.

4) 60 degrees F in January. Crazy, eh?

5) Have I mentioned that I am really busy at work?

6) I had without a doubt the roundest matzoh balls I have ever seen, last night for dinner. How the heck did she get them that round? Magic, perhaps.

7) I just used my new Green Teapot (thanks ACF) and loved it. It's really pretty and holds quite a bit of water.

8) Chicken jerky? Does my coworker really have a bag of chicken jerkey on her desk? I've never heard of such a thing. I'm wondering if it is for her dog and not for her.

My list is complete. I have nothing more to say. My mind is a blank slate.

Snowy afternoon.