Yoga Team Force

Gentle reader,

I know I told you that I was training to be a yoga teacher. However, I have decided to take that training a bit farther. I now want to be a yoga crime fighter. Why fight a ninja street gang with nunchucks or a band of Vespa-riding purse snatchers with mace, batons and attack dogs, when gentle lovingkindness will work?

I’d like to say that I am planning to assemble a team of yoga crime fighters, but megalomaniacal leadership is not one of the Eightfold Paths of Yoga. So, instead, a band of like-minded yogis are independently, without motive or expectations, bringing their energy together to peacefully fight crime through the use of calming yogic techniques…and robots.

And gentle reader, please don’t think of us as superheroes. We aren’t fighting crime for a pat on the back, extra grease for a squeaky widget on the robot, or even new, non-slip yoga mats. We are fighting crime because crime exists.

I want to introduce you to our band of yoga crime fighters. Names have been changed, because, as I said, we aren’t looking for admiration, just peace:

Winter - Her weapon is a singing bowl that she brandishes during violent crimes, instantaneously rendering the perpetrators into deep meditative states thanks to the bowl’s captivating vibrations. Once the perpetrators are rendered harmless, the robot comes in to disarm them. And of course, before the police come to carry away the criminals, Winter always dabs a bit of lavender gel on each criminal’s neck, just to make sure they have a calming ride to jail.

Linea – Her specialty is chanting the criminals into deep relaxation, and has been known to thwart crimes from the sound of a single OM. Linea even once stopped a harrowing prison riot with color visualization and the chanting of Shanti (peace) over and over again. Then of course, she sent in the robot to round up the inmates and put out the mattress fires.

Liza and Cassandra work as a team, or rather as individuals who, regardless of the outcome of their actions, independently brandish their own yogic techniques in tandem. Cassandra begins with breathing and grounding techniques, calmly instructing each criminal to steady their breath, clear their mind (especially of the fact that they are in the middle of robbing of bank) and feel the energy of the earth coursing up through their body, past their nylon stocking-masked face to the crown of their head. Once the criminals are fully grounded, Liza steps in, runs them through a few yoga postures, eventually disarming them by directing them into an elaborate one-armed handstand, allowing the robot to come in and apprehend them.

Dharma the Robot – Her main purpose is to uphold the order of the cosmos and the harmonious complexity of the natural world. Through the employment of nag champa incense, healing vibrations and a gentle but firm grip, Dharma aids our band of yoga crimefighters in keeping the universe peaceful and just for humanity.